I'm confused. I'm sick. Sick of everything that I witness. Though I've been through this difficult, bizarre phase often in my Life, the impact is much more this time. I find no time, and I feel I'm gradually drifted away from my most lovable activities. viz., Blogging, Reading, and Dreaming.! Burning the mid-night oil, deeply lost in thoughts, I arrived at the fruitful conclusion in the Dawn.! Somewhere, sometime in the past 2 weeks, I lost 'myself'! I decided. The first thing to do is lodge a complaint, in the nearest police station.!
The Sub inspector strongly denied filing an FIR, ridiculing me. I really cant understand What's so funny?!!.. The Police value Gold, property theft. But they just dont care about 'myself'. I lost 'myself'. Where will I find me? again..? :roll: I reached for the help of my full time soul stirrer, my mom. :) She just gave almost the same kinda look as the police, and started advising me I shouldn't go alone in night times!.. :) OMG!.. So, I lost 'myself' in the late night cab, I've been travelling for the past 1 week?
I even asked the cab driver. He too gave the same awkward look. So, where to find 'myself' again? I asked my friends. They made serious arrangements for admitting me to mental hospital. :) One friend suggested I should've lost myself in the pouty smile or magnetizing gaze of a Girl. Oh Yes!.. There is a possibility for that too.., I started recollecting the events, but to the best of my knowledge, I never remember seeing such gaze or smile in the recent past. Every girl's eyes I've seen are filled with mascaras and eye liners, making it difficult to have that magnetizing gaze. ;)
The most beautiful pair of eyes I ever saw was in my school days!. I lost 'myself' seeing my first crush. But i found it in sometime. Even this time, I should be able to find it. Hopefully!.. So, where else I need to search for it? Was it lost in the endless, complex lines of code, I work with? Yes, I searched through the complex MVPC architecture, I've been working. But I couldn't find. I'm not even able to find where an exception is thrown, in that complex code, then how can I find 'myself' there? lol :)
Was it in the office communicator.? No. Not at all. Apart from my very few well wishers, and soul stirrers, no one pings, nor me ping them. So, definitely not. But I realized at that very moment, that I've been quite depressed, as the work heat crossed the threshold, and it was drifting me from my dreams, and my likes. So, if not in the cab, I must have lost it in the train.
The next morning, I enquired a string of railway officials viz., station master, driver, ticket checker etc., if they have spotted 'myself' anywhere. They again gave me same insane , dirty look as the police, and handed me to the railway police. The railway police suspected that I may be the psycho who hijacked the train and caused accident in 2009. :) At last, after confirming, that I'm a 'dummy piece', they left me.
I found out a hint. 'myself' is not lost in some nook or corner of the world. It's somewhere hiding it's appearance, behind my laziness and weariness. I've been used to my work and the pressure, life laid out upon me, and instead of re-discovering my likes , potential and dreams, I stupidly adapted to it, and never paid heed to my conscience. I didn't respected 'myself'. Thats why, 'myself' has left me! :cry:
When I'm on train , I saw the old man selling 3 pens for 10 bugs and torches, and railway timetable regularly. I know him. I've been seeing him for a long time. Why not ask him? The top railway officials nor the railway police could not help me. Why not give a last try.?!.. The answer may be wit this end servant.
"Sir. I lost myself somewhere, sometime in the past 2 weeks, and I'm on search of it madly. Could you please guide or suggest or give any clues to find 'myself'.? " He gave an instant reply, "Get down in the next station, leave this train. Wait till the next train. You'll find 'yourself'. "
I obeyed his order. The five minutes I waited there, made me pass through a series of thoughts, thats been bothering me, and troubling me. But more than all these thoughts, one haunting, thought surpassed everyother impulses. It said, 'It's time to office. Are you stupid? Get to work ASAP.'
There I found 'myself'! or i should say, the way to find myself. Dont pay heed to the thought, that makes you adapt to survival, and make you forget 'yourself'. Just reserve some time, think peacefully. That 5 minutes, made me realize this. and for the second time, after losing it to the gaze of my first crush, 6 years ago, I found 'myself' again, this time too.. :)
So, I made a pledge to 'myself'.
I will always lose 'myself' to the things I love. But never will lose it for the things, I hate. :)
P.S.: This must be yet another strange post from me. :) I understand. I'm not sure, how many readers, will understand the real feel I been through, compiling my thoughts. If you've read it fully , patiently, thanks a lot...! :)
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